Rush, Rinse, Repeat…

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Busy busy busy busy busy busy days..

These days are days of constant movement, never stopping, always moving to the next thing and the next and the next. I’m tired.

My mornings begin with making sure two 14 year old girls get ready and leave the house by 6:30 to catch their bus. Then it’s on to waking the 13 year old man child and making sure he gets up and brushes his fuzzy teeth, eats and has a lunch with him.  He leaves at 7:10 to catch his bus.  Then it’s on to the two 8 year olds and the sour patch toddler.  The 8 year old are ready for the day as soon as they rise! It’s questions and “let me show you this” or “Mama, yesterday my friend and I were designing a video game and it goes like this….” The toddler is just the worst.  He cries and whines the whole time.  We all work wicked hard to get him to just be content.  But of course he only wants mama to make his waffle and he only wants mama to turn on the t.v. and he only wants mama to give him his blanket…. ARRGG!!!  I have to get the sour patch kid happy and get him dressed and bags packed for daycare.  All while telling the 8 year olds “Did you brush your teeth?? Go brush your teeth! I mean now!”, “Get your shoes on”…. “Get your shoes on!” “Do you have your backpack?” “Where’s your homework? Put it in your bag!” “GET YOUR SHOES ON!!” I rarely get time to actually drink my cup of coffee or make my own breakfast.  I can barely remember to brush my own teeth some days! Then it’s to the bus stop at 7:50.  The 8 year olds get on the bus by 8:05 and then it’s off to daycare with the sour patch kid. Some days he enters the daycare like a civilized human child. Other days he enters like a horrible demon possessed beast.  It’s loud screaming and lots of tears and daycare workers prying him off me.  It’s painful on so many levels. Not only do I want to run and hide from him as fast as my chicken legs will carry me, but the crushing weight of guilt that comes from being relieved to have a break from this child that I love so dearly hurts a whole lot too.

After getting all these little blessings off to their schools for the day, I rush right to work. I like work, but it’s work. After the morning I’ve had I wish for my bed and a good book to just sit and be still with. Instead it’s emails, and phone calls with vendors, some who are amazing, others who are… not so amazing. I stay there till 5pm and then it’s time to get two of the children from their daycare/afterschool programs and rush home. It’s dinner time and chore time and homework time and time to hear how everyones day went.  There are 6 of them.  I am outnumbered and don’t have enough ears to hear all of their stories, but I do my damndest.  We eat dinner at the table together and then it’s clean up and bed time.  And time to start thinking about doing it all over again the next day. But first I go to the gym for at least an hour.  I do this about 4 times a week because it’s something that I love and gives me life. And then it’s home and bed.  As soon as I hit that bed you would think I would fall fast asleep, but that is not the case.  It’s when I make my list of things to do for the next day.  It’s when I get to sit in quite. I edit pictures that I’ve taken that day.  I post a lot on Instagram between 11pm-12am.  

I can’t really describe how tired I am on a daily basis.  I feel the tiredness in my bones some days. I feel the hopelessness in my bones too.  The hopelessness that it’s never going to get better and that this is all there is to life. Running, rushing, rushing, rinse, and repeat.  It’s overwhelming.  We don’t even do sports here in this house. It’s just regular life that keeps us on the go.  

I have 6 kids that I am charged with keeping alive.  Some days I don’t know if one or two of them will make it past 10 years old. Somehow they make it to the next day and the next day and the next.  Somehow they still like me, even when I have to be the crazy mother who yells because “NOBODY LISTENS TO ME!! DO YOUR CHORES!  WHY DON’T YOU HELP ME! I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!”  Those aren’t my most favorite moments to replay at night when trying to sleep.  Ugh. 

I love them.  I love them all so much and when I think about not having to be so tired and do all of the things I do for them, it makes me so excited for the future!!  HA! You thought I was gonna say I would miss it didn’t you???  Well I might miss it when I’m old and gray and ready to die, but right now I just want a little relief.  A vacation away from m ALL of the THINGS!! And I’m not gonna feel guilt over that. I’m super excited that my kids are getting older and can do things for themselves! One of the 8 year olds taught the other 8 year old how to make eggs. People!!! That means I don’t have to make eggs on a Saturday morning anymore!!! HALLELUJAH!!!! JESUS THANK YOU!! I have two 14 year olds who can change poopie diapers and you bet your bottom that I pay them 2 dollars per gross diaper they change! The 13 year old man child can change a diaper too, but just the wet ones. He also takes out the trash anytime I ask him to.  They no longer need me to wake up with them and they no longer need me to cook every single meal for them or get them dressed.  They are self sufficient tiny humans.  I enjoy them and I love them more than I ever thought possible, but I’m not gonna lie and tell you I aint looking forward to going on a cruise with other adults, or traveling somewhere all by myself, and not having to worry about packing snacks or extra clothes for anybody but me.  

I am in survival mode these days, but I’m still having fun along the way.  The older my kids get the better the jokes get.  They get sarcasm and it’s so much fun to be able to tease them and for them to tease me back. And the shows and movies we watch are so much better these days. I love that they can handle hard things like mama going to work for the first time ever and taking on more chores to help me out.  I love the crap out of every season they go in, but somedays I’m tired and hope for the next season to come real quick.